Hard Lessons

Today was a breaking point.  I would like to say that it is due to my lack of sleep!  However, the sleep deprivation is only responsible for part of my frustration.  So much of life happens around me and I often feel as though I am watching a circus from the sidelines.  The ripple effect of peoples choices are currently evident in life.  And not just to me personally but to the entire high desert.  

Our family is on a journey that is amazing and tumultuous.  This beautiful little girl who is healthy and thriving in our home was given to us by God.  How long she will be with us is unknown and not up to us.  I had a moment of panic as I spoke with the birth mothers' social worker this morning.  She is still getting weekly visits, which are difficult in ways I never imagined.  The bottom line is that we can do everything right and still lose her.  I felt myself drifting at that moment.  I wanted to protect my heart and not love her so much.  I wanted to see this as an opportunity to give her a healthy, safe, loving place to grow without the heartache.  

How am I supposed to feel about the birth mother?  Do I hope that she fails?  Do I hope that she gets her life back together and takes Aly away from us?  How do I even talk to the boys about this?  How do I pray?  Everyday seems to be filled with lessons of faith and trust in the Lord.  I must daily choose to allow my heart to be vulnerable to her sweetness, her beauty, her love.  How could I not love this amazing gift that we have been given.  So, the ticking clock keeps moving and we wait for the day we can say that she is ours to keep, without risk.  

God has lately given me opportunities to see outside of my own challenges.  There is grief around me that cannot be ignored.  There are some who are questioning choices made that cannot be taken back.  There are some who are attacking the faith of truth tellers.  My current thoughts have brought me to the conclusion that heartbreak is what we are here for.  To come along side the hurting, think outside of ourselves and live for Him.

If you would, pray for Mondays.  That is the day Aly has visits with her birth mother.  It is a surreal and emotional journey every week.