In everyone's life there are moments of pause. Little to say. Little to express. Even less to create. . . That is what this year has proven true for me.
There are those with an abundance of creativity. Others have an insight into lives they have never known. I relish in the creativity of others. The ability to make music that can rip your heart out as if it reads your mind. The gift of speaking eloquence and allegory without a queue card. The telling of a life with a paintbrush.
The last 11 months and 29 days have been cereal. As a mother who has lost her daughter I have been watching my life in a glass box. Waiting for the day it would be easier to breathe. Doable to dream. Less challenging to believe. I have had times in my life where things have not gone as I prayed them to go. When God said no, I said fine. I tried to manage on my own. Running from trials and also running from the need to fall at his feet. This last year I have had little desire to go to God. LIke a mother tells her child no, I have been like a little girl not getting what she wants. Stomping my feet, folding my arms and pouting my lip in response. As if my silent treatment would teach Him something I continued down my mute path.
I have been unable to write and for the most part unable to create. For me, creativity and writing are part of my life. They sharpen the edges of my story. Without them, my picture is dull and feels a bit futile. I know that I am ignoring God, my quiet time, growth. It is hard knowing what I should do and not want to do it. It is difficult to feel his hand upon me asking me to draw near and just flat out saying "no".
I am still angry. I am still broken. I still don't understand!
A relationship is not a relationship without some reciprocation. I can only blame myself for my lack of growth and conversation.
He knows me and He waits for me, thankfully.
"Whom God would use greatly He will hurt deeply." -A.W. Tozer
I know I should be honored that God would bring such a trial into my life. I have glimpses of understanding and then my walls go up again. His patience is not unnoticed. He loves me and awaits my broken heart to return with JOY.
"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime. Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning."
Psalm 30:5
Just a humbled, broken woman who is learning to tolerate the pains that come with growth when engaging and even the anticipation of what is to come.
