Christmas Chase

During this busy time of year when we are supposed to be spending more quality time with family to remember the birth of our Savior, it is quite the opposite.  The secrets been out for decades and yet we still chase after the carrot attached to the stick.  We spend time shopping for gifts we cannot afford to show the people we love just how much we love them because we don't have the time for them.  We go to oh so many Christmas parties in the spirit of wanting to share in the joy of the season and eat all the artery clogging foods that we can stomach before the necessary button on our pants needs to be undone for much needed relief.  We then come down with a nasty bug that lays us out for a few weeks and further adds to the gluttony cycle.  

All I want for Christmas is no debt and my family with me.  Yes, a giant plate of fudge and a nap would also be nice.  The rush of overspending, overeating and chasing the carrot can be exhausting.  So I hope to cherish my family. . . My Savior. . .  Aly's first Christmas. . . All that we have been given that doesn't involve self indulgence and regret!  Don't get me wrong, I love to give gifts, eat lots of food and laugh with friends.  I just don't want the damage of it all to take over the day that should be Jesus' day.

Mama, Ba-ba and Bro-bro

It has been too long since my last blog entry.  Things around our home have really picked up and I am struggling to keep laundry clean and shoes off the floor.  The boys are doing well.  Micaiah is loving school and Judah is enjoying his success with preschool at home.  They both dote on Aly every chance they get.  Judah enjoys using his charm and silliness to make her laugh.  On Monday, Aly had a visit.  When we picked her up, she was asleep but quickly awoke when I put her in her car seat.  Judah started singing softly to her and then realized it was making her giggle, so he boosted the level of enthusiasm and volume!  She loves having her brother in the back seat to comfort her.  Micaiah loves to have her chase him around the house, which requires me doing some running too (I guess that is a very brief workout).  He also has decided a new nickname for himself.  I am Mama,  Tim is Dada so naturally he and Judah should be Bro-bro!  Tim and I think it is quite funny.  

In the last two months, Aly has learned how to crawl, started walking around furniture and has recently started talking.  She has a very broad vocabulary which include Ma-ma, Ba-ba (bath) and Bah-bah (bottle).  This morning I heard her from her crib saying ma-ma-ma-ma-ma like a run-on sentence.  Mind you it was 5:20 a.m. and I didn't want to get up yet, but who can resist their baby saying Ma-ma.  She also says bah-bah, bah-bah with great fervor first thing in the morning!  

We are still enjoying this beautiful gift!  Yes, we are sleep deprived and feeling it but it is all worth it to hear her say my name!

Oops!

Today was another visit for Aly with her birth mother. We have been told that it would not be a good idea to meet the birth mom for many reasons.  She is not super stable and the social workers all feel that it is in our best interest to remain out of the loop with her.  Tim decided to take her this time because it was further away than usual.  He arrived rather early and didn't know if he was in the right place, so he pulled Aly out of the car and went inside.  When he entered the office, he saw a young woman sitting who looked delighted to see the car seat he was holding.  At that moment Tim realized that he was looking at Aly's birth mother.  Oops!

Tim said that she is a nice young woman and was very complimentary of our care for Alyssa.  She doesn't know that we are an adoptive family, if she had her reaction to Tim might have been different.  Tim is accustomed to conversations with people with issues and ulterior motives and said that her sweet nature doesn't say everything about her but made for a nice first encounter.  

God must have planned the meeting between the birth mom and Tim.  He knows how involved we need to be and what we can handle.  I am just glad I wasn't the one in the waiting room.  I am so in love with this girl and also in love with the man who took her to this strategic visit.  My love for my family grows as God grows me through this journey.  Thank you all for praying on Mondays and throughout the week.  They are tangible reminders of a God who has the smallest details mapped out for our daughter, Aly. 

Psalm 139:13

Hard Lessons

Today was a breaking point.  I would like to say that it is due to my lack of sleep!  However, the sleep deprivation is only responsible for part of my frustration.  So much of life happens around me and I often feel as though I am watching a circus from the sidelines.  The ripple effect of peoples choices are currently evident in life.  And not just to me personally but to the entire high desert.  

Our family is on a journey that is amazing and tumultuous.  This beautiful little girl who is healthy and thriving in our home was given to us by God.  How long she will be with us is unknown and not up to us.  I had a moment of panic as I spoke with the birth mothers' social worker this morning.  She is still getting weekly visits, which are difficult in ways I never imagined.  The bottom line is that we can do everything right and still lose her.  I felt myself drifting at that moment.  I wanted to protect my heart and not love her so much.  I wanted to see this as an opportunity to give her a healthy, safe, loving place to grow without the heartache.  

How am I supposed to feel about the birth mother?  Do I hope that she fails?  Do I hope that she gets her life back together and takes Aly away from us?  How do I even talk to the boys about this?  How do I pray?  Everyday seems to be filled with lessons of faith and trust in the Lord.  I must daily choose to allow my heart to be vulnerable to her sweetness, her beauty, her love.  How could I not love this amazing gift that we have been given.  So, the ticking clock keeps moving and we wait for the day we can say that she is ours to keep, without risk.  

God has lately given me opportunities to see outside of my own challenges.  There is grief around me that cannot be ignored.  There are some who are questioning choices made that cannot be taken back.  There are some who are attacking the faith of truth tellers.  My current thoughts have brought me to the conclusion that heartbreak is what we are here for.  To come along side the hurting, think outside of ourselves and live for Him.

If you would, pray for Mondays.  That is the day Aly has visits with her birth mother.  It is a surreal and emotional journey every week.

The Honeymoon's Over! : )

Oh yes, the honeymoon is over and we are still in love with our little girl.  When we met with the foster mom, we were told that Alyssa sleeps through the night, is not teething and isn't crawling yet.  About 5 minutes after we brought her home and set her on the floor to play, she found something motivating enough to take her first few crawls for!  We thought, we must be a magical family.  I then wanted to see why she was gumming everything in sight and felt a razor tooth emerging from her mouth.  Again, there must be something in the air in our home(magic).  Tim and I were so excited that she has all these firsts here.  She also let us wake up in the middle of the night to hold and rock her while she bit down on a bottle for dear life.  Poor baby!  So glad I don't remember teething it can't be fun.  As they say, the honeymoon phase is over.  Tim is back to work, the boys are back to their quarrels and I am remembering how much work it is to be the mother of a baby.  

Reality has set in and it is the most wonderful thing in the world.  Alyssa is a dream come true for our family.  Our hope is that this family we have now is permanent.  Life is not perfect.  It is often messy and chaotic, but that is where the beauty lies.  When I stop for just a moment to watch my three children, I see that I am the luckiest woman in the world.  God has chosen me to mother these  amazing human beings.  What responsibility and what joy!  My cup overflows.

She's Home!

Today at 9 am we went to the foster home and picked up our daughter.  Tim and I both had butterflies in our stomaches from all the excitement.  Not to mention a tad bit of fatigue due to our lack of sleep the night before.  I lay there in bed trying to think of anything but our beautiful daughter.  It was all in vain!  I didn't sleep last night.  So, if I begin to ramble I can blame it on my lack of sleep (this time).  

We walked in the door and the boys were so sweet with her and gave her some time to warm up to such a new crowd!  She has the most mellow personality and took it all in stride.  No tears but a few giggles.  Judah and Micaiah fought over her most of the day and took some mediating when it came to who was going to hold her next.  They have both enjoyed her to no end and have yet to show a glimmer of jealousy.  They have been waiting so long for this day and we all feel so blessed!  

Tim has already claimed that she likes him best.  It is funny because she loves loud, big movements from people and Tim definitely has that down!  I tend to drain my energy quickly with my efforts to get her to laugh at me, but she does and then I am filled up again!

The empty stare that saw very little this morning has softened a bit and she was even a little bit cuddly with me towards the end of the evening.  We are lucky and already in love with this amazing little gift.  We will continue to share our story as we wait for the adoption to be finalized.  We are looking at a year or more until she is officially ours but she has captured our hearts in a big way and we are filled with love!

Eeeeeeek!

Well, in less than two hours we will meet our daughter for the first time.  Tomorrow we bring her home and Thursday sign official documents giving us the fostering title.  I am excited to meet her and nervous that she may not take to us right away.  I didn't really sleep last night, or the night before for that matter!  I will add photos later!

Here we go!

Patience

Here is a quick update!  We just got word from our social worker and the meeting that was to be on Thursday is now set for Monday morning.  We won't meet her but will see photos and learn more about her history and status in the court system.  We are just getting over a flu bug, so the delay is probably for our benefit but it feels like for---ev---er (O'd to Sandlot)!  Patience is said to be a virtue but I am not so sure!

Wendi

Until Then

It is 5:00 am and I cannot sleep.  I know I will be exhausted later, but I have details dancing in my head!  What does she look like (Tim thinks she has to look like him!  After all someone should have his brown eyes!)?  Will she take to us right away?  What is her mother feeling at this moment (sadness, frustration)?  

Although we are still waiting to hear from our social worker, we are frantically getting our home ready.  Alyssa, meaning noble or rational is the name that the birth mother gave her.  She is just shy of 7 months and we cannot wait to learn more.  We are hoping to learn a great deal on Thursday and look forward to at least seeing a photo or two!  My patience grows thin as I know little and dream about her.  We feel so blessed to have been given this opportunity to share our lives with Alyssa.  Grrrr! Waiting is not my forte! One would think that I would be stocking up on extra hours of sleep but my brain won't shut off!

There have been many questions about Alyssa so I wanted to give some clarification.  Once we know her history and about her birth family, there is little that we can share with anyone.  That may be difficult for our families, but we must protect Alyssa and the memories of her birth mother.  So, once we have her and know more, we hope you will understand that her past cannot be shared but we are excited to be in her future!  

If you could pray for her permanence in our home that would be much appreciated.  There is still some risk involved and we may fall hard and fast for this little girl, Aly!  Until Thursday!  

I Can't Stop Smiling!

Hopefully by the title you can make an educated guess as to what I am smiling about.  Our social worker called today and informed us that we have been placed with a baby girl.  We don't know details but we do know that we are overjoyed and honored that we were chosen to care for her.  I wish I could right more but that is all that we know.  Her name is Alyssa and she is 6 months old.  We will have her history and a photo presented to us on Wednesday.  I cannot wait to see what she looks like!  

Tim and I were talking about her and I frantically started looking for a piece of paper to start a list on.  Oh man, we are going to need diapers, formula, bottles, clothes, a car seat and a cute pink Chargers jersey!!!!  We have a lot of work to do!!!!  Although Tim is exhausted from a busy week of work, I know that when he wakes up tomorrow the wheels will start turning more and he will realize that he is going to have a little girl to protect and spoil!  

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your prayers.  I am glad to have the ability to update everyone so quickly and share the good news.  Please continue to pray for Alyssa, the birth mother and us as a family.  Everything is about to change and I cannot wait!

:) 

Tick, tock!

So today is the day that our social worker informs us about the family they chose for the 6 month old girl.  I am somewhat calm considering the idea of our world being vastly different in the next few weeks.  We shall see what God holds for us.  We wanted to thank you for praying for our family.  We are so amazed by the support of your prayers.  Please continue to pray for the little girl, the birth mother, the social workers and our boys and wisdom to know what to tell them regardless of the outcome today.

I will be awaiting the call today and write more tomorrow!  

Gratefully,

Wendi

Oh, The Pit!

This morning, I went for a run!  Yes that is right I ran, which I don't love, but I do love my beating heart and arteries.  I was trying to get out and clear my head.  There is so much out of my control which is not abnormal but my body is taking a toll. An update at this time would be better if we knew anything.  Oh, the pit in my stomach!

 Our social worker called to tell us that we are being considered for a 6 month old girl.  The risk is high but worth it.  It has been two days since the call and the pit in my stomach keeps growing.  I am praying, Yes, I am praying!  

Do I guard my heart to prevent pain or do I dive in head first and allow myself to imagine our family with her?  As those that know me well can contest, I am diving in and allowing my heart to be vulnerable to breaking!  The pit grows and grows as we wait for a call.  This may be one in a series of situations before we are blessed with a child.  It could be one of many broken moments!  We have chosen to not tell the boys until we are chosen.  And then we must decide how much to tell them!  This is a delicate time for us as a family and we are learning. Sometimes not so gracefully!  Thank you for praying and caring for us and the next Kuhl member.  We hope to remove the pit regardless of the social workers decision and just pray that God would place this baby girl with the right family!  

The photo above is of Tim!  Just a little visual for how we are feeling!!!! 

No mas bad news!

Ok, so I am a little silly tonight.  Partially due to a venti white mocha that I consumed at 5:30 and also due to the fact that my brain is about to explode from all of the bad news I have received in the last week.  So many of my friends and family are suffering right now and I am too far away to comfort them.  People dealing with suicide, health issues, infidelity, and the loss of a beautiful baby.  I am overcome by the burden that these people have to bare, thankfully not alone.  Not only do these people have support from the body of Christ they have the Lord to lean on.  "Complete Joy".  A phrase used by the senior pastor of HDC while he was teaching on John 15.  The words were imprinted in my brain and gave me new perspective on what it means to be joyful.    

I was at worship rehearsal tonight for 7.  Usually, I am too caught up in the musicality of everything during a rehearsal and am too distracted.  Tonight was a little different.  Our last song was "Everything" by Tim Hughes, which was what I needed to hear.  Although I have always enjoyed the song, it hadn't grabbed my attention the way that it did tonight.  I am thankful that He is my everything!  

As for other news, my dear friend, Michelle left for Africa today.  I will miss her and hope to visit.  She is irreplaceable.

 No news on the adoption front, thus the "While We Wait" title.  Hmmmm. . . maybe if I change the title of my blog to "She's On Her Way", God will bring her faster?  I am so utterly transparent in my vices  and as you may have noticed would love control over this specific area of my life!  I pray that God helps me find complete joy this week!  I am a work in progress.

Micaiah

This morning was one of those mornings where I didn't want to get out of bed.  I layed there, pressing snooze twice on my alarm, hoping that the next time it went off I would feel more rested.  It was definitely a coffee morning!  I finally scraped myself up and got ready to take my oldest, Micaiah to school.  Little did I know that God had some encouragement coming my way!

You see, it has been a long couple of weeks.  We have friends who are dealing with real loss.  I have friends with broken bones, broken marriages, and one dear friend who is grieving the loss of her fourth child, before he is even born.  I am amazed at these stories of sorrow, pain and suffering!  God molds us all in different ways, with varying tools.  I wish I could take on the burdens of those whom I love and grieve with, but that is the job of our Savior.  I have never thought of my job as a mother as extremely difficult or brave for Jesus.  It is something that brings me great joy, which is why we hope to adopt.  While we wait for our license to foster/adopt and to hear from our social worker, we are powerless.  I have no control over this part of the process and have done all that I can do.  So, the waiting gets difficult and hard to continue to pray for.  Then, I think of my dear friends who are suffering and realize that God has it all mapped out.  Every joyful and painful growing moment!

So, once we were out of bed, clothed and ready for school, we met up with Micaiah's good buddy Adam and his dad and headed down the sidewalk.  After we dropped the little guys off, Adam's dad said this. "Your kids have made an impression on me."  I then asked why and he continued to tell me that one of the children in class was having a birthday party that everyone was invited to, except Adam.  He then proceeded to tell me that Micaiah spoke up and told the boy that he wouldn't go if Adam couldn't.  Adam's dad then said that it is a reflection on our parenting and I proceeded to smile and awkwardly say, "thank you".

The story is sweet for many reasons.  One, we have been trying to reach out to the families in our neighborhood.  Two, when we chose Micaiah's name it was because it was a unique name and a wonderful story in 1 Kings 22.  You see his name comes from the story of a prophet who would only speak the truth to a king, regardless of the consequences.  We always felt that his name was a bit of a tall order and hoped there would be no pressure on him to be something that God has not created him to be.  Funny how God uses little people to teach us huge lessons.  I am proud of my son, not because he did this kind thing for his friend and it is a reflection of me.  I am proud of my son because he is a reflection of Christ!  He chose to bravely stand up for what he saw as fair, good, and loving.  He is not mine, he is God's.  I hope he can always be that brave with his peers, in a perfect world that is how it would look.  Regardless, I am grateful for the little moments that I see Jesus living in my children and allow me to learn from them!

Micaiah is a great name and my sons heart is living for Jesus.  He isn't perfect every moment of the day but he shows glimpses of his Savior.

For that, I am encouraged!

choices

so we were driving up to church tonight and the boys started asking about Jesus.  judah started us off by announcing that Jesus died on a tree.  then micaiah joined in with more Jesus facts.  Jesus wore a crown of thorns.  Jesus died for us.  stuff like that.

then the conversation kind of turned a corner.  judah was asking much more pointed questions.  he asked how he can go to heaven.  he asked why people killed Jesus to begin with.  and one by one we answered his questions.  keep in mind, he is 2 weeks from turning 4.  he does not have a complete grasp of what the power rangers do, let alone Jesus' sacrifice.  but i am telling you.  as much as he understands anything else, he got it.  and then he asked how he could go to heaven.  we told him to believe in Jesus.  he said he did.  we asked him if he wanted to tell Jesus.  he did.  so we prayed together in the car.  

now i understand that if we believed that big bird comes every christmas to give us purple livers, judah would likely believe that too.  but for now i am blown away by the fact that my son wants to choose Jesus.  he is also now in charge of telling one of his friends about Jesus who turns 2 tomorrow.

and then we sat through church.  i don't recommend doing that.  if your son just went out of his way to voice his belief in Jesus for the first time, do NOT go sit in a worship service.  the lyrics of a song were unfolding in front of us and i couldn't help it.  i cried thinking about the intricately powerful Truth ever is simple enough.  simple enough for judah to agree that Jesus died so that we don't have to.  

it was a good day.  -tim

Full Or Empty?

We are excited to report that we are done with our case study interviews and also finished our licensing interview on Friday.  The work for us is at a stand still while we wait for the licensing and case study report to be finalized.  It was a surprise to us that it will take up to 2 months to get it all completed so that we can be put in the mix for placement.  When the social worker told us that we are desiring a very demanding age range and that it may be six months to a year before we are chosen, I looked to Tim and saw a little sadness come over him.  I tend to look at the glass half empty, so I was expecting the worst, but Tim is a glass is half full kind of guy and wasn't expecting such a long delay.  We feel ready and the boys have been so patient for the last 6 months!  I am at peace with the understanding that there is a girl waiting for us at the end of all of this.  We have not been forgotten and need to trust God's timing for all of this.  I know there will be a great deal of growth in the midst of the waiting.

There is also a possibility that we could be put on a list for relinquishment.  This is a separate program within the county's adoption system that is quite risky.  While a young mother is still pregnant, she chooses a family for her child.  Once the baby is born we go pick her up at the hospital and the mother has 30 days to finalize her decision to terminate parental rights.  The risk is that we would become extremely attached to the baby and then have the mother come back and decide to keep her.

  None of this is going to be easy but Tim and I both feel that we have a healthy, wonderful family to share with a child that needs love and permanence.  However long God chooses us for her, we want to open our hearts and share our home!  It is obvious that this will come with some tears and broken hearts.  Although we would love to protect our sons from that kind of heartache, God calls us to serve and love.  We must believe that whatever the cost, He wants to use us for His purpose!  Our boys will learn amazing things from this and I hope a greater sense of what our purpose is.  They are young, but have faith and unwavering devotion to love. 

The glasses contents are all about perception.  For as long as it takes to wait for our daughter, I want to see this process the way that God sees it, full of Him.

"Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!  How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!  Who has known the mind of the Lord?  Or who has been his counselor?  Who has ever given to God, that God should repay them?  For from him and through him and to him are all things.  To him be the glory forever!  Amen. "

Romans 11:33-36

The Wind

I find it difficult to get used to the wind!  Although I have lived in the high desert off and on for the last eight years, my hair blinding my eyes from the path ahead will never be something I enjoy!  Today was rather windy, so Judah spent the day inside with me while his brother was at school.  We worked on childproofing the house.  Judah proved to be quite helpful in this process and enjoyed trying to reach things he knows he is not allowed to, in order give me an idea of what needs to be fixed.  I am so glad that I have a little buddy to hang out with everyday!  

Tim and I find ourselves very blessed in ministry and relationships.  We have many close friends here that have become like family and we can hardly wait to introduce the next member of the Kuhl clan to them.  Tuesday, my friend Cory came over and helped me childproof our house for Friday's visit with the licensing social worker.  Cory managed to find a great deal of things that I had missed!  She has a little more experience under her belt with 4 athletic and curious kids!  I am so grateful for her support through all of this.  

Another dear friend to me, Michelle, was over tonight.  Michelle and I have built a unique and honest friendship that is hard to describe.  She is one of those amazing women  you watch grow in their faith and bring you such joy!  Tonight she was able to take my mind off of my current stress and focus on hers!  She is going to Malawi Africa for a year to teach.  We sat on the kitchen counter looking over the details and making lists!  I am so excited for her and cannot wait to hear the details of God's plan for all of this!  Michelle and I have been reading through James together and were hit right away with the first chapter.  It is very applicable to all of the unknowns that are ahead for both of us.  I was reminded of it today as the gale force winds were rushing towards me.

James 1:5-8

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  Those who doubt should not think they will receive anything from the Lord; they are double-minded and unstable in all they do."

I pray daily for our little girl, but find it difficult to communicate the words that are detailed enough to know what to hold on to?  My hope is that God will bring her to us soon and provide us with what we need to give her a life filled with love and a safety.  While we wait, we will wait in faith.  

Oh The Details!

It is indescribably hot for May.  I think I spent half of my grocery budget on cold treats!   Yikes, what does it mean for June?  I am a complete failure when it comes to blogging!  As is evident by the date of my last blog.  I have decided to make this blog a journey through the adoption process.  We are excited about the process so far which I will detail for you.  

Tim and I have decided to adopt a girl through the County of San Bernardino.  In order to complete this process, we have taken 8 classes, we are currently meeting with a placement social worker and hope to be licensed by the end of the month.  Once all of our paperwork is in place, we will be ready to wait for her.  By going through the county, we are able to foster her while the adoption process is completed.  The county will look at a family for the child, not a child for our family, so it is really out of our hands how short or long the process takes.  We are glad that they look at what is best for each child and find ourselves at peace with the entire process.  

By Friday, we should have the majority of our details ready (house licensed, all stuff ready to go).  The boys are so ecstatic about having  a little sister.  They have been hoping for her since before Christmas.  A sister was at the top of Judah's wish list in December and he has been a trooper through all of this.  Both Micaiah and Judah have names all picked out for her which may or may not be used, depending on her age.  Birth order was an important factor for us as a family, so we have chosen birth through 3 years as our preference.  If and when the county chooses us for a girl, a social worker will come to our home and present her to us.  The presentation will include her medical history, behavioral history, history of abuse and so on.  From there, we give it a few days and let the social worker know if she is the right fit for us.  There are so many unknowns and we are genuinely growing in our faith through this maze of details.

Thank you for bearing with the details.  So many have asked when we are getting a child, so I wanted to give enough information so that you could see that the timeline is wide open.  It is so surreal to prepare for this life that we know nothing about.  I am sure that a wave of shock will hit the moment she arrives!  I am frantically trying to stay on task and get the house ready to be licensed.  We have to do some pretty extreme stuff in order for our home to pass.  Our toothpaste and deodorant even have to be out of reach of little ones!  Sorry if that was TMI!   I hope this gives a glimpse into our lives.  I am now going to pass out on my bed so that I can get up and begin another sweltering day in the desert!