Two Weeks

So I am trying to breathe. The anticipation of grief is more indescribable than any other trial in my life. Let me be real. . . I have never anticipated grief before. Does anyone? Maybe the people that would rather prepare for the "worst case scenario". Those that prohibit hope from their vocabulary. Those that don't want to loose control. Those that have experienced loss in such a way that they have not recovered from the first drowning.

Tim was given a call from Alyssa's social worker yesterday. She let us know that the judge may give Alyssa's birth mother custody of her the very day of the hearing. That would give us about 4 hours to say goodbye and pack her things. Although it is like a band aid being ripped off, it doesn't seem to make things less painful. It is only showing me that the few hours that I may have left with my daughter are so much more precious than I thought.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was too angry, confused, hurt. Alyssa usually doesn't stir in the night but awoke crying, so I was able to hold her. I don't know what made her wake from her peaceful, naive sleep, but I see each opportunity to tell her I love her as a gift. She was so trusting in my arms. As I swayed back and forth, as only a parent does when rocking their child, I gave in. The tears just came. What had been building in my heart and head could no longer be contained. With the stillness, the quiet, the safety of the dark and my baby in my arms, I could allow the grief that has been waiting to come. As I swayed and sobbed, I could feel Alyssa's hands softly moving along my back. It was almost as if she was letting me know that she would be ok. She then moved her hand under her belly and grabbed my finger. Such a sweet little hand. I will remember her peace in that moment. I will cling to that memory as I say goodbye.

Promise once it shuts you out

You ask, "What was that all about now"

You and I through rise and fall

We've seen the horizon through it all now

Close your eyes this time

Cause trust is all we have tonight

But trust will be forever

Safe your dreams will be

Cause trust will be the light tonight

So close your eyes this time

Cause trust will be your light tonight

So close your eyes this time.

The house is stale

It lets you roam

Inside it just don't feel like home now

I promise hope will pull you out

for that's what love is all about

Close your eyes this time

Cause trust is all we have tonight

But trust will be forever

Safe your dreams will be

Cause trust will be the light tonight

So close your eyes

One thing I love about Alyssa is her tough nature. She possesses something I never had as a child. A confident, curious, wild nature that doesn't back down. She is a beautiful, observant, hard headed, rough tom-boy. God has built her to handle more than I will ever understand. I know she will be well protected. The dread of holding her for the last time is too overwhelming so for the next two weeks I can spoil her with kisses and love. I pray she remembers how much she is loved. I pray she knows that she will always have a place in our home. Alyssa is my daughter, and is such a gift, as any child is. A beautiful, messy, difficult, temporary gift. May I have new eyes through my grief.

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul."

Psalm 31:7

September 24th, court hearing. Pray for Alyssa and her birth mother as we proceed.