Once again, sleep has evaded me. I either cannot fall, cannot get back, or cannot erase the dreams. Still tired, but not enough to shut down I wander down the hall and sit here at my desk to rehash whatever it is.
My goal through this journey has been to grow and trust God with it all. Along the way exploring complete joy in the trials and seeing Him more clearly. I have underestimated the effects it has had on those around me. Our son Judah, who until recently was our middle child is trying to find his place once again. He is floundering and needing a lot of assurance. I am grateful for his honesty. He often says what I cannot put into words so simply. Kids don't care about vulnerability, what to do next. They just let their mixed bag spill all over the floor and make a mess. I do believe that my children will see Jesus more clearly through this. It is just so hard to watch the aftermath. I have no control. Their sister is not like a fish that can be replaced with another. We are all floundering. Questions of what comes next are at the forefront for each of us.
I had a flashback of our first encounter with Alyssa. The day we allowed her into our hearts. I remember holding her small frame in my arms. Knowing that she was mine and that one way or another, I would never be the same. It was so vivid and so painful. Like a craving, I would have given anything to hold her again in that moment of reflection.
Today, I am struck with a desire to move forward. Our home is forever impressioned by her presence. There is a vast hole here. I have no desire to replace her with a different model. I am waiting for God to tell me what to do next. I have a passion to help people, but in what capacity? Do we give the green light and allow our hearts to be vulnerable to breakage again by taking in another child? So many need loving homes and we have that to give. Do I allow this new stage to be a catalyst for other passions? I have many opportunities to minister in ways that I have not thought about since my first son was born. I have the freedom to go with my husband and serve along side him. I can visit friends in Africa and New Guinea. There is also this underlying question, If we get too used to life without her, will we be able to go back to that stage again? The diapers, car seats and toys are just a fragment. The stress and strain it puts on our family, our marriage. The lack of control, of protection for someone so small.
My desire to honor God with my life is entangled with so much of who I am. So many factors shape who we are and why we do what we do. The bottom line is a little elusive for me at this point. I would love for God to put a giant neon sign in my front yard that points me in the right direction. I would have little trouble jumping right in. Although, not all knowing, I am wise enough to see that refinement does not come with the obvious answers. Refinement comes with the heat of the flame, the chisel, the hammer. I want my life to reflect that of Christ. I desire for my children to see God changing me. And for my mixed bag to spill on the floor and be made into something unexpected.
James 1:2-6:
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
5 comments:
Wendi, thank you for sharing -- you're always able to write so eloquently about your thoughts and feelings. I wish you and your family the best in whatever happens. I'm sure the decisions you make will be the right ones in moving forward.
Wendi,
Thank you for sharing. Your transparency and honesty is a beautiful thing. It is an inspiration to watch you allow God to refine you in your pain and not to struggle against it. You are an encouragement to me. Although our struggles are different I am so grateful to be challenged by you and how you are trusting God to lead you. It is a place that few people come to...that place of wanting God to change us and refine us in the midst of our pain, not so that we can just be "happy" again but that we bring glory to our Savior and that is where we will experience joy. I'm praying for you friend that as you seek the Lord's guidance you will feel his peace.
GRRRRR. I hate that you have to go through this. It make me mad that someone that I love SO much is walking this path with me. It sucks that our children have to do this. I'm sorry that I can't be more positive for you right now but I just hate all of this!
Love you!
J
Wow Wendi, what a beautiful writer you have become, so transparent and so capable of putting what you feel into words. It brought tears to my eyes to read about your struggle. We are also contemplating taking the same road you are on. However, I think the same way you do about how I will have freedom to travel etc. once the girls are just a little bit older and how much care a new little one takes...I wish I could give you the sign you need. I can't promise the decision you will make will be the right ones or that they won't bring you heartache later...but just like you we can rest assured that God can make miracles out of our hurts and He can transform us into the beautiful creations worthy of His indwelling. You truly are beautiful, inside and out. Praying for you! Keep writing...I hear it helps
This was just lovely. Get out the chisel, Lord! I wanna be like You!!!! :) Love you, Wendi. You are a beautiful picture of God's grace! Thanks for writing so He could speak through you!
Post a Comment