In everyone's life there are moments of pause. Little to say. Little to express. Even less to create. . . That is what this year has proven true for me.
There are those with an abundance of creativity. Others have an insight into lives they have never known. I relish in the creativity of others. The ability to make music that can rip your heart out as if it reads your mind. The gift of speaking eloquence and allegory without a queue card. The telling of a life with a paintbrush.
The last 11 months and 29 days have been cereal. As a mother who has lost her daughter I have been watching my life in a glass box. Waiting for the day it would be easier to breathe. Doable to dream. Less challenging to believe. I have had times in my life where things have not gone as I prayed them to go. When God said no, I said fine. I tried to manage on my own. Running from trials and also running from the need to fall at his feet. This last year I have had little desire to go to God. LIke a mother tells her child no, I have been like a little girl not getting what she wants. Stomping my feet, folding my arms and pouting my lip in response. As if my silent treatment would teach Him something I continued down my mute path.
I have been unable to write and for the most part unable to create. For me, creativity and writing are part of my life. They sharpen the edges of my story. Without them, my picture is dull and feels a bit futile. I know that I am ignoring God, my quiet time, growth. It is hard knowing what I should do and not want to do it. It is difficult to feel his hand upon me asking me to draw near and just flat out saying "no".
I am still angry. I am still broken. I still don't understand!
A relationship is not a relationship without some reciprocation. I can only blame myself for my lack of growth and conversation.
He knows me and He waits for me, thankfully.
"Whom God would use greatly He will hurt deeply." -A.W. Tozer
I know I should be honored that God would bring such a trial into my life. I have glimpses of understanding and then my walls go up again. His patience is not unnoticed. He loves me and awaits my broken heart to return with JOY.
"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime. Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning."
Psalm 30:5
Just a humbled, broken woman who is learning to tolerate the pains that come with growth when engaging and even the anticipation of what is to come.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
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4 comments:
It is such a blessing to read your honest feelings while even in difficulty. You are such a beautiful family with so much love, and I am so thrilled to hear that your opening your hearts and home to another precious child. They will be so blessed to be a part of your family. I also want to let you know what a blessing you have been in encouraging my family and I in our pursuit of fostering to adopt. Know that you are all very much loved and are doing something in life that not all people are capable of doing. To love a child as your own. Thank you for your encouragement and strength when you could have discouraged us and had been filled with bitterness. I am so thankful to have you guys in our life. And always remember you're not alone. We are moving down the same road with you. God bless.
My heart hurts for you and all you've gone through with your daughter. Words just can't express what I'd like to say. Just know I'll continue to pray for you during this tough time.
Praying for your precious family...
Thank you for this, Wendi. I have not gone through the same grief you have, but I find that my own "silence in writing/creating" has also been due to self-induced stagnancy. The Lord waits and woos me while I kick stones and dawdle. So thankful that He has't given up on me!
Selfishly, I must say that I am glad to see you write again, as hard as it may be for you. But thank you again for yru transparency. You are dearly loved.
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