What Can I Bear?

Growing up, I remember the concept of God not giving us more than we can bear.  I was studying this passage in 1 Corinthians 10:13 and found that it is not referring to trials but to temptation.  When I was reading through this passage I thought my bubble had burst.  So does God give me more than I can handle as far as trials go?  I would think so, or I would never turn to Him for my strength, my footing, my everything.  I would solely use my own strength to get over that hurdle ahead of me.  I would be self reliant 24/7!  

Today was a visit day for Aly with her Mom.  Handing her over for two hours is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.  After the visit the social worker informed me that the judge very well could give the birth mom another 6 months to get her act together.  Those are words that are not encouraging to someone who is completely in love with this little girl she is caring for!  As I drove home I began a running conversation with God.  Questioning our decision to open our hearts to such a high risk situation.  Questioning this process all together!  I am a stubborn woman and don't like to admit when I am wrong, but my heart was starting to fracture a bit.  I was asking God why we were dealing with the roller coaster of emotions.

I do believe that God gives us more than we can handle on our own.  I could not do this emotionally every week without the strength of His hand guiding me.  His voice telling me to love her completely.  His compassion showing me glimpses of progress in a tiny miracle. I have even heard Him say, "It is not up to you", as I left Aly for a visit.  He gives us the option to bail.  He gave us a free will to choose our path.  I could take the easy route and have a cookie cutter life with 2.5 children and all the American Dream has to offer, or I could purposefully and wholeheartedly give of myself.  Letting my heart break and in the process, experience growth and a deeper understanding of what it is like for our Creator.  

We are all called to the same purpose.  We are His to be molded, chipped at, melted down.  We are called to help the orphans and widows.  He never said it would be easy or quick.  I guess my question to other believers is this.  Am I choosing to live a life of comfort or a life of constant growth with self inflicted pain?  Note that these battles in my head with God are frequent and filled with doubt!  The bottom line is that we are here for something.

I was reading in the Psalms recently and found Psalm 143 to be very inspiring.  I was able to jot down a song (ignore the fact that I am an amateur writer).  The third verse is my favorite, followed by the chorus.

Teach me to give myself to You, completely

Humble my heart and show me Your way

With Your unfailing love silence my enemies

For I am Yours

This is for You

This is all for You

This is for You

I am here for You

Today was rough.  I felt sad, powerless, frustrated, injustice and a whole slew of other words that I will not elaborate on.  I know that my pain is allowing this little girl to have some stability. . . some unconditional love . . . some attachment . . . something that we can give for as long as we are given the opportunity.  I will survive this.  God will sustain me.