Hard to Say

Looking ahead I am curious what God has planned.  The summer has begun and the kids are playing in the mud, the rocks, the grass and the water.  Nearly nine months have passed since Alyssa's placement with us.  It feels like she has always been here but more of  a sereal, dream.  The question of her permanence has never been far from our minds and as September 24th approaches reality is less illusive and almost tangible.  

The hope that was to adopt Alyssa has now become something quite different.  At this point in time it would be more of a surprise.  The birth mother is doing miraculously well.  We are interacting with her each week in the hopes that it will bring about a transition for Alyssa.  Of course this is all speculation on my part.  The judge will make a decision in September and the mother has 3 months to falter.  I am stumbling through this process with the hope of a healthy outcome for Alyssa and a permanent home for her to grow in.  

My heart is much like a piece of crusty clay.  There are moments of crumbling at the pieces of news I receive from the social worker.  Then there are moments where at the center of it all, I know that my purpose is clear to the one who matters.  He did not say to me, " I have a gift for you and everything will turn out just as you had planned".  He did tell me that it is my hearts desire that he will fulfill.  It is hard to say how I am feeling, how this will all turn out, but God has given us a passion for people.  In this moment the risk seems too great.  I don't think I can do this again if she leaves us.  Just reading those words seems so faithless.  I hope that over time I will be given opportunities to open my heart to another risk.  Risks are faith being lived out after all.