Hard to Say

Looking ahead I am curious what God has planned.  The summer has begun and the kids are playing in the mud, the rocks, the grass and the water.  Nearly nine months have passed since Alyssa's placement with us.  It feels like she has always been here but more of  a sereal, dream.  The question of her permanence has never been far from our minds and as September 24th approaches reality is less illusive and almost tangible.  

The hope that was to adopt Alyssa has now become something quite different.  At this point in time it would be more of a surprise.  The birth mother is doing miraculously well.  We are interacting with her each week in the hopes that it will bring about a transition for Alyssa.  Of course this is all speculation on my part.  The judge will make a decision in September and the mother has 3 months to falter.  I am stumbling through this process with the hope of a healthy outcome for Alyssa and a permanent home for her to grow in.  

My heart is much like a piece of crusty clay.  There are moments of crumbling at the pieces of news I receive from the social worker.  Then there are moments where at the center of it all, I know that my purpose is clear to the one who matters.  He did not say to me, " I have a gift for you and everything will turn out just as you had planned".  He did tell me that it is my hearts desire that he will fulfill.  It is hard to say how I am feeling, how this will all turn out, but God has given us a passion for people.  In this moment the risk seems too great.  I don't think I can do this again if she leaves us.  Just reading those words seems so faithless.  I hope that over time I will be given opportunities to open my heart to another risk.  Risks are faith being lived out after all.  

What Can I Bear?

Growing up, I remember the concept of God not giving us more than we can bear.  I was studying this passage in 1 Corinthians 10:13 and found that it is not referring to trials but to temptation.  When I was reading through this passage I thought my bubble had burst.  So does God give me more than I can handle as far as trials go?  I would think so, or I would never turn to Him for my strength, my footing, my everything.  I would solely use my own strength to get over that hurdle ahead of me.  I would be self reliant 24/7!  

Today was a visit day for Aly with her Mom.  Handing her over for two hours is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.  After the visit the social worker informed me that the judge very well could give the birth mom another 6 months to get her act together.  Those are words that are not encouraging to someone who is completely in love with this little girl she is caring for!  As I drove home I began a running conversation with God.  Questioning our decision to open our hearts to such a high risk situation.  Questioning this process all together!  I am a stubborn woman and don't like to admit when I am wrong, but my heart was starting to fracture a bit.  I was asking God why we were dealing with the roller coaster of emotions.

I do believe that God gives us more than we can handle on our own.  I could not do this emotionally every week without the strength of His hand guiding me.  His voice telling me to love her completely.  His compassion showing me glimpses of progress in a tiny miracle. I have even heard Him say, "It is not up to you", as I left Aly for a visit.  He gives us the option to bail.  He gave us a free will to choose our path.  I could take the easy route and have a cookie cutter life with 2.5 children and all the American Dream has to offer, or I could purposefully and wholeheartedly give of myself.  Letting my heart break and in the process, experience growth and a deeper understanding of what it is like for our Creator.  

We are all called to the same purpose.  We are His to be molded, chipped at, melted down.  We are called to help the orphans and widows.  He never said it would be easy or quick.  I guess my question to other believers is this.  Am I choosing to live a life of comfort or a life of constant growth with self inflicted pain?  Note that these battles in my head with God are frequent and filled with doubt!  The bottom line is that we are here for something.

I was reading in the Psalms recently and found Psalm 143 to be very inspiring.  I was able to jot down a song (ignore the fact that I am an amateur writer).  The third verse is my favorite, followed by the chorus.

Teach me to give myself to You, completely

Humble my heart and show me Your way

With Your unfailing love silence my enemies

For I am Yours

This is for You

This is all for You

This is for You

I am here for You

Today was rough.  I felt sad, powerless, frustrated, injustice and a whole slew of other words that I will not elaborate on.  I know that my pain is allowing this little girl to have some stability. . . some unconditional love . . . some attachment . . . something that we can give for as long as we are given the opportunity.  I will survive this.  God will sustain me. 

Christmas Chase

During this busy time of year when we are supposed to be spending more quality time with family to remember the birth of our Savior, it is quite the opposite.  The secrets been out for decades and yet we still chase after the carrot attached to the stick.  We spend time shopping for gifts we cannot afford to show the people we love just how much we love them because we don't have the time for them.  We go to oh so many Christmas parties in the spirit of wanting to share in the joy of the season and eat all the artery clogging foods that we can stomach before the necessary button on our pants needs to be undone for much needed relief.  We then come down with a nasty bug that lays us out for a few weeks and further adds to the gluttony cycle.  

All I want for Christmas is no debt and my family with me.  Yes, a giant plate of fudge and a nap would also be nice.  The rush of overspending, overeating and chasing the carrot can be exhausting.  So I hope to cherish my family. . . My Savior. . .  Aly's first Christmas. . . All that we have been given that doesn't involve self indulgence and regret!  Don't get me wrong, I love to give gifts, eat lots of food and laugh with friends.  I just don't want the damage of it all to take over the day that should be Jesus' day.

Mama, Ba-ba and Bro-bro

It has been too long since my last blog entry.  Things around our home have really picked up and I am struggling to keep laundry clean and shoes off the floor.  The boys are doing well.  Micaiah is loving school and Judah is enjoying his success with preschool at home.  They both dote on Aly every chance they get.  Judah enjoys using his charm and silliness to make her laugh.  On Monday, Aly had a visit.  When we picked her up, she was asleep but quickly awoke when I put her in her car seat.  Judah started singing softly to her and then realized it was making her giggle, so he boosted the level of enthusiasm and volume!  She loves having her brother in the back seat to comfort her.  Micaiah loves to have her chase him around the house, which requires me doing some running too (I guess that is a very brief workout).  He also has decided a new nickname for himself.  I am Mama,  Tim is Dada so naturally he and Judah should be Bro-bro!  Tim and I think it is quite funny.  

In the last two months, Aly has learned how to crawl, started walking around furniture and has recently started talking.  She has a very broad vocabulary which include Ma-ma, Ba-ba (bath) and Bah-bah (bottle).  This morning I heard her from her crib saying ma-ma-ma-ma-ma like a run-on sentence.  Mind you it was 5:20 a.m. and I didn't want to get up yet, but who can resist their baby saying Ma-ma.  She also says bah-bah, bah-bah with great fervor first thing in the morning!  

We are still enjoying this beautiful gift!  Yes, we are sleep deprived and feeling it but it is all worth it to hear her say my name!

Oops!

Today was another visit for Aly with her birth mother. We have been told that it would not be a good idea to meet the birth mom for many reasons.  She is not super stable and the social workers all feel that it is in our best interest to remain out of the loop with her.  Tim decided to take her this time because it was further away than usual.  He arrived rather early and didn't know if he was in the right place, so he pulled Aly out of the car and went inside.  When he entered the office, he saw a young woman sitting who looked delighted to see the car seat he was holding.  At that moment Tim realized that he was looking at Aly's birth mother.  Oops!

Tim said that she is a nice young woman and was very complimentary of our care for Alyssa.  She doesn't know that we are an adoptive family, if she had her reaction to Tim might have been different.  Tim is accustomed to conversations with people with issues and ulterior motives and said that her sweet nature doesn't say everything about her but made for a nice first encounter.  

God must have planned the meeting between the birth mom and Tim.  He knows how involved we need to be and what we can handle.  I am just glad I wasn't the one in the waiting room.  I am so in love with this girl and also in love with the man who took her to this strategic visit.  My love for my family grows as God grows me through this journey.  Thank you all for praying on Mondays and throughout the week.  They are tangible reminders of a God who has the smallest details mapped out for our daughter, Aly. 

Psalm 139:13

Hard Lessons

Today was a breaking point.  I would like to say that it is due to my lack of sleep!  However, the sleep deprivation is only responsible for part of my frustration.  So much of life happens around me and I often feel as though I am watching a circus from the sidelines.  The ripple effect of peoples choices are currently evident in life.  And not just to me personally but to the entire high desert.  

Our family is on a journey that is amazing and tumultuous.  This beautiful little girl who is healthy and thriving in our home was given to us by God.  How long she will be with us is unknown and not up to us.  I had a moment of panic as I spoke with the birth mothers' social worker this morning.  She is still getting weekly visits, which are difficult in ways I never imagined.  The bottom line is that we can do everything right and still lose her.  I felt myself drifting at that moment.  I wanted to protect my heart and not love her so much.  I wanted to see this as an opportunity to give her a healthy, safe, loving place to grow without the heartache.  

How am I supposed to feel about the birth mother?  Do I hope that she fails?  Do I hope that she gets her life back together and takes Aly away from us?  How do I even talk to the boys about this?  How do I pray?  Everyday seems to be filled with lessons of faith and trust in the Lord.  I must daily choose to allow my heart to be vulnerable to her sweetness, her beauty, her love.  How could I not love this amazing gift that we have been given.  So, the ticking clock keeps moving and we wait for the day we can say that she is ours to keep, without risk.  

God has lately given me opportunities to see outside of my own challenges.  There is grief around me that cannot be ignored.  There are some who are questioning choices made that cannot be taken back.  There are some who are attacking the faith of truth tellers.  My current thoughts have brought me to the conclusion that heartbreak is what we are here for.  To come along side the hurting, think outside of ourselves and live for Him.

If you would, pray for Mondays.  That is the day Aly has visits with her birth mother.  It is a surreal and emotional journey every week.

The Honeymoon's Over! : )

Oh yes, the honeymoon is over and we are still in love with our little girl.  When we met with the foster mom, we were told that Alyssa sleeps through the night, is not teething and isn't crawling yet.  About 5 minutes after we brought her home and set her on the floor to play, she found something motivating enough to take her first few crawls for!  We thought, we must be a magical family.  I then wanted to see why she was gumming everything in sight and felt a razor tooth emerging from her mouth.  Again, there must be something in the air in our home(magic).  Tim and I were so excited that she has all these firsts here.  She also let us wake up in the middle of the night to hold and rock her while she bit down on a bottle for dear life.  Poor baby!  So glad I don't remember teething it can't be fun.  As they say, the honeymoon phase is over.  Tim is back to work, the boys are back to their quarrels and I am remembering how much work it is to be the mother of a baby.  

Reality has set in and it is the most wonderful thing in the world.  Alyssa is a dream come true for our family.  Our hope is that this family we have now is permanent.  Life is not perfect.  It is often messy and chaotic, but that is where the beauty lies.  When I stop for just a moment to watch my three children, I see that I am the luckiest woman in the world.  God has chosen me to mother these  amazing human beings.  What responsibility and what joy!  My cup overflows.